Humorous Quotes -
Something for everyone

Humorous Quotes and Words of Wisdom for Women

Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

When life gives you lemons in 2010 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

Remember where ever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

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Humorous Quotes - Men

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

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Humorous Quotes - Children

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

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Humorous Quotes - Teachers

You know your a teacher when...

You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

You get annoyed when politicians speak about education, because you know they wouldn't last 5 minutes in a classroom.

Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.

You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.

You hate teachers who engage in the "jammed and ran" practice at the copy machine, leaving you to fix it.

You love decorating.....a classroom, not your home.

Your classroom is decorated nicer than your home.

Your closet is separated into two distinct sections: one side with "teacher clothes," and the other side with "going out clothes," and sadly, you rarely get to the going out side.

You've trained yourself to go to the toilet at two distinct times of the day: lunch and prep period.

You believe the teachers' lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.

You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was a "good choice or a bad choice."

You consciously arrive to school in the mornings earlier than you need to, because you want to get on the copy machine when there is no line.

The words "performance assessment," "IEP," "essential question," "lesson objective," and "active verbs" are part of your everyday vocabulary.

You want to strangle Bloom and his damn taxonomy.

You used to have a social life.

You have more red pens at your house than you do blue or black pens.

You have a frequent shopper card at the local "teacher store."

A student has legitimately and seriously asked you if you have an overhead projector at your house.

You dread being absent, because you know what your classroom will look like when you return.

You've mastered "the glare."

You find yourself using all of the phrases you swore you would never use ("I'll wait for you." "Let me know when you are ready to learn." "Ears open, mouths closed." etc.)

You've become an expert at un-jamming a copy machine.

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Humorous Quotes - Job Applications and Resumes # 1

Read carefully, some of these lines contain misteaks that are not that obvious...

I am a very detail-oreinted person.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business use.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 76% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel on extended trips.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

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Humorous Quotes - Job Applications and Resumes # 2

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

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Humorous Quotes - Computers

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

- When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

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